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Dec. 27th, 2007

Les derniers sont les premiers...

This is a post long overdue. My last post was about the person I thought was it. Now, I know why it all had to end. It had to end so that I could meet Andrew. It has been an amazing experience with him so far, and I cannot get enough of our time together. He's unlike so many others before him, and there is a comfort with him that I've not felt in a very long time. Sure, I still have my paranoia when he's not around, and I still can't help but make myself crazy thinking maybe it won't last (anyone who knows me knows that I do this often), but when he's there...when he's here...I know that there is something so special about this.

It all started officially on the 12 of November. We had our first date. We met at Push café, and I can't tell you how beautiful he looked just sitting there...waiting for me. I had been running a few minutes late, and he had already started on some mint tea.

I had met him some time before that in my store. I didn't remember him right away from that experience until we started talking more about it (as I see so many people on a daily basis), and then it started to come back to me. I remember thinking how attractive (hot ;-)) he was, and how sweet he seemed. He had a good vibe to him even then and there.

So we got to talking at Push, and he was funny and interesting and seemed very down-to-earth. There weren't any false pretenses on his side. Which, also confused me because in some weird way, if a guy isn't trying to put on false pretenses, I wonder that maybe he doesn't like me. I've become so entrapped in my weird little world, that if someone is really just being themselves and genuine, I take it to mean that maybe he's not interested. (I had to fight back all my façades that kept trying to creep in on us).

He left for a bathroom break, and I kept thinking to myself how wonderful he seemed, and how I hoped that I wasn't coming off as not liking him. I tried to be more outgoing, and I even gave the hint that I never make the first move...I gave this hint at some point in the evening...he told me that I did, and I don't remember exactly when as I was so nervous around him at first. Or nervous that maybe I'd have to make the first move after all.

So after much talking, we decided to go elsewhere. I was hungry, so I invited him out to dinner at Galaxy Global Eatery. It's a great little place, and I enjoy it a lot. So, I figured that maybe he would, too. I think he did. All I know is that I don't even remember what all we were talking about at this point because I couldn't get out of my head how much I just wanted to kiss him and not have this night end.

It's funny that when you want something to NOT end so earnestly, you tend to actually lose track of what is happening.

We ate; we talked; we drank. We decided that the night shouldn't end there. He took me to this little bar that he knew of...I had never been there, and we sat down and had a few more drinks. Finally, he kissed me. Amazing.

We walked to the subway holding hands. We kissed on the platform. My train came and I didn't want to go. We kissed goodbye. I sat down in the car. I smiled. The thought came, "he's the one."

Since then, things have been great. We celebrated Xmas together, and so far life has been really good. There are so many sweet things that he does for me. He cooks for me when it's late and we've not eaten yet. He brings me lunch once in awhile. He brings me chocolates when I'm stressed or not feeling so well. He remembers important dates. He texts or calls me at least once a day.

Whether or not he ends up being "the one" or not, he is right now in my life. This is something that is very real to me and very much what I've been looking for. Normally I'm worried to let people know what I think or I think that giving them too much of an inside look at my feelings will give them an advantage. But, not with him. I want him to know how I think and what I think of us. I don't feel afraid to let him know where I stand and what's going on. When I'm upset, I've been able to talk with him about it. We've already had "discussions", and he's okeh with them. Neither of us like it, or revel in it in any way, but we are able to have them and make something of them.

He's a beautiful person, and just the type of guy that I've always imagined myself being with. He's talented and he's artistic. He's loyal and he's sweet.

This time I'm doing my best to enjoy this, and I'm trying to keep bad feelings away. They are always there; they haunt me all the time. But it's not about if they are there or not -- usually they are. It's about how we use them and to what extent we listen to them. If I can't trust him, I can't expect him to trust me. And I want him to trust me. And I want to trust him. And I do.

Thank you, Andrew. Thank you for making the first move. :-)
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Oct. 16th, 2007

The Past Three Months...

Well, for the past three months I've been dating this wonderful guy. And last night, I pretty much had to reduce my level of commitment to him. Those two sentences together may sound weird together, but if anyone knows my life, I guess they probably sound quite normal. You see, it's taken me quite awhile to be able to find someone who interested me enough and gave enough for me to even consider really being with. There have been people here and there that I tried with because I was lonely or wanted to fool myself into believing that we could be together. But this was different. We talked for about five months online before we ever really had a date. But once we did, it was wonderful. We couldn't get enough of seeing one another, and everything seemed like it was going so well. He called me beautiful and we were at each others' sides for weeks.

This all started July 19th, the day before the huge Harry Potter party at my job. I went to see him that night, and it was amazing. I still remember him standing at the door as I approached his house. He was beautiful. From that night on, we spent quite a bit of time with one another. And, for the most part, things seemed to be really good. I had my usual paranoia about him cheating or whatever...but that goes with me wherever I go simply because of the number of times people have cheated on me. He had this rule that we weren't officially together until we actually sat down and discussed our relationship. Anyone who knows me knows that's not how I date, but if that's how he wanted to do it, I cared enough for him to do it that way. I mean, I only dated him, and I was 100% with him. I've never cheated on anyone in my life (you tend to not want to do that when you feel how much it hurts...and I could certainly never have hurt him like that).

As time grew on, he had to move...and due to circumstances, he had to move a few times, including in with me for a month. David was very nice about it, and he moved in with me and David, along with his dog. I know that it seemed like a huge step, but honestly, to me, I really enjoyed it. I liked coming home to him and having him come home to me. It's the kind of thing that I had been waiting for for so long. Someone who talked about a future together (he called it putting the cart before the horse...I called it perfect). Someone who was already planning vacations together for the holidays. That was exactly what I wanted in my life. He cooked for me after work, I'd give him massages almost nightly. It was a very nice thing we had; or so I thought.

After a month was over, and he had found a new place, I helped him move in...thinking that I'd still see him and things would just continue they way they did before he moved in with me...we were practically seeing one another nightly before that anyway. Well, things changed. And, to this day, I'm still not sure why. I don't know if it was because of him, or if it was because of our schedules. But I've not seen him since (other than the time when I stopped in to say hi at his work on my way home the other night). All I know is that before I left his place after helping him move in, he gave this talk about how we were friends at some higher level with perks and how we weren't in a relationship because he wasn't fucking me 24/7 (his verbiage, not mine). Well, about that...I certainly wasn't the one trying to hold us back from getting to that step. For some reason, there was a breakdown in our romantic life, and I have no idea why. I certainly still craved (and still do) him, but it didn't ever seem like he was in the mood. We had talked about it, and he reassured me it wasn't me or us, but it still didn't change much.

During this time apart, I started to wonder if he had been doing things on the side (well, not really on the side since we weren't even seeing one another). When I talked w/ him last night, he assured me he hadn't been. I don't know what to think. I mean, I ended up asking him what is going on, and he had no answer for me. I had hoped that he would know. If he doesn't know, then I can't be expected to know. And I can't sit around waiting for this knowledge to come. I know that relationships are about sticking it out and hanging in there and working together, but I can't work together if he has no idea what's going on. I still care very much about him...nearly every night I wish I were cuddling with him like we used to do.

He's an amazing person, and he has a lot going for him. I know maybe he wouldn't tell you that, but I know better. He has so much he could do in life. And I wanted a lot to be along for that ride. I wanted to be with him, and I really thought that we had something very special together...or something that was turning into something very special. But, as time has grown on, we've only becoming more and more distant. He's distant and doesn't know why, and I'm distant because he's distant. I tried to visit him the other night at work, and I did, and in the end, he ended up telling me that it felt awkward to him. What can I do about that? It shouldn't feel awkward to have me visit him.

And, I guess in the end, I just hoped that maybe he'd fight a bit more for us. I feel like all this time with the whole sex thing and the moving thing...I felt like I've been fighting to make this work a lot. I just wanted to feel like he was involved in the fight too...like it mattered to him just as much as it matters to me. I guess I was wrong about that. I still have these delusions that maybe, just maybe, he'll come over here after his nightshift instead of going home since he has today off. I wish he would, but that'd be out of character for him. He'll probably go home and pass out. I wish he wouldn't though.

I just got to the point where I was making myself crazy thinking about never seeing him and thinking about how he had pretty much reduced us to "friends with perks" after he had always talked about his coworkers calling us boyfriends, and after he had even used that term in referring to how my friends may talk about him. It hurt to hear him say that. It hurt a lot. It was like it was okeh to be boyfriends when he was living with me, and then when he moved out, suddenly, now that he had his own place, we were just friends with perks again. I can't say that I didn't feel a bit used at that point. I did. And since then, we've hardly spoken or seen one another. Yet, he still says that this all has nothing to do with us. I just don't get it. I thought I found someone who really wanted something with me, and then all this happens.

I know it's only been three months, but that's a long time to be getting to know just one person that intimately. I mean, we went from seeing one another a few times a week to living together to never seeing one another. We've had ups and downs, and I had hoped that this down would lead to a greater up, but he pretty much cut out in the middle of talking w/ me last night, and I've not heard from him since.

I don't know what's going to happen in my life from this point on. I don't know how things will work out. Like I said, I'd love for him to fight for this just a bit more than he is...to offer some sort of something other than no answer. But I've hoped and longed for that before, and I know the chances of really getting it. I just felt like this was turning into another game of push and pull, and I can't do that anymore. I'm getting too old for that. I know what I want in my life, and that's someone to be with and someone who really wants to throw it all in with me and give it their all. I know how rare that is these days, I really do, but that's what I'm looking for.

In a way, I love him, and I'll always wonder if I made the right decision by telling him that I have to reduce my side of the dating to a more casual style. Maybe that wasn't the right thing to do yet, or maybe it was. Maybe he doesn't even care as much as I do. Maybe I do care too much about these things, but it's only because I'm really serious about them. No matter what happens, he'll always be in my heart, and I won't forget the times we've had. I hope this isn't the end, but it's killing me to keep hoping it's the real beginning...it's a pressure and longing that is sometimes too hard to take.
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Jun. 24th, 2007

It's been awhile...

Yes, it has been quite a long time since I've written anything in here. It's not because I'm not full of wonderful things to write about...oh, no...hardly...:-P It's just really that I've not had much time, and of the time that I've left to myself, I've not really devoted it to "ME". If that makes any sense. I've devoted it to worrying about things. I've devoted it to wonder what I'm going to wear the next day. I've devoted it to trying to plan my life. But, I've not devoted it to me and the things that will really make me personally happy. The last few nights have been different though, for me.

Last night, I hung out with my good friend, Joseph and his boyfriend. I've never met his boyfriend, so it was really nice, after all this time, to finally meet him. Also, I invited Leaha along because I really wanted us to hang out outside of work again...to feel a bit more normal lol. We had a great time, and we had burgers and then coffee (which I'm not really a fan of, but it hit the spot that night...and just seemed like the right thing to do). Anyway, it was a very nice evening, and on the way home, I had a lot of nice thoughts. I pretty much decided that even though I'm single and even though I don't have that type of relationship right now, that doesn't mean that I'm not worth something, or that I'm not a beautiful person. And, though that may seem like something sane and normal for most people, to me, it was quite something. It also was something because it came at a moment when I was emotionally high. I really felt good. I felt like beauty incarnate. I don't mean that to sound vane or anything, but it's true. I felt like I was beautiful, and I felt like everyone could see that...even those who hated it could see it and had to appreciate it. I have never felt like that in my life. I don't know why it suddenly hit me like that, but I'm glad it did. Maybe I finally got over some sort of wall or some small blockage that I've had about my looks for such a long time.

Then I came home, took a nice shower with candles, and really just spent time doing my facial stuff and taking care of myself. Of course, this put me at quite a long night, so I went into work a bit later in the morning today lol. But, I'm the boss; I can do that :-P

Today, I had a pretty good day, but it was quite tense at work at times, but Saturdays w/ the boss around can be like that. I know he means well, so you can't really hold it against him, but sometimes it just gets to you more than others. Today was one of those days. I was really tense, and when he finally left for the day, the environment was much better. But, in all of that, I also found some direction as to where I want to go with work and with my employees.

And that's another thing that I'm realizing lately. I really like the people who work with me. I know that technically they work for me...but I can't bring myself to think like that. These are the people with whom I work. I know that I'm there to manage and give direction, but without them, there would be nothing. We all have a part to play, and I hope that they realize I feel that way about them. I really like them, and I really think that they are all really great people. I'm not the best at expressing my emotions and all that, but I'm trying, and being a manager is forcing me to do that even more because I know how important validation was for me, and I don't want them thinking anything less of themselves simply because I'm not saying something.

Tonight I was out with Angela and Leaha and we had a really nice dinner (of which I can't really afford), and some drinks. It was much more than I should have spent because my monetary life right now is really tight. But, sometimes you have to throw caution to the wind and hope things will turn out okeh...and that's sort of what I'm doing right now. We had a great time and some really nice/fun conversation, and then I came home and talked with Joshy on the phone. He's sad right now, and that's understandable, but we talked for about an hour and a half, and then I went and took a shower.

So, here I am...writing after my shower, and trying to stay on task while people IM me. There's so much that I want to say here, and I have no idea where to go. And suddenly with that line, all my thoughts started to run together, and I really don't even know what to say anymore.

I was coming home on the train today, and it dawned on me...I wonder if crazy people have a moment in their lives when they actually decide to be "crazy". It has to be an easier way to live. Not conforming to all the social customs. Not having to "play by the rules". Not needing to be preoccupied with what others think. Our lives are only given to us once, and they are for us to use them as we will. Is it, then, so awful to decide to be crazy: to decide that we want to live in our own little world? Most of us do already live in our own little world. It's just the crazy people who take it to the extreme. I was just thinking that because I was wondering how much it took for those people to break. I mean, I've been under some extreme stress in my life, and I've never gotten so far as to really break. Yes, I am "crazy" in some ways LOL...but I've never gone to extremes. But then I thought to myself, why couldn't I decide that? What would my life be like? Would it be easier for me? Then the train went back underground, and my thought process changed.

I've also been evaluating my emotional state-of-affairs lately, and I've been pretty lonely. And I thought to myself tonight in the shower that I was going to write an entry tonight. But that got me to thinking about past times, and how people always kept their journals so private. They weren't things to be read and forecast to others. But now, so many people have them, and it's a way to show the world who we are. But why is there this need now to show the world who we are instead of hiding it away and keeping some things to ourselves like we used to? I started to think how absurd it really seems...maybe we're so lonely and so detached anymore that this is our way of dealing with the world. Getting our message out and hearing what others have to say through this medium is a way to get validation. I would assume that people who have great social lives (meaning really happy social lives...not forced or work-related ones) don't blog as much as those who are a bit unhappy with their lives or the lack of affection in them. I know that I'm lonely sometimes, and those are the times when sometimes I want people to validate me...thus I write here, and see if anyone writes back to validate the way I feel, or just has something to reply to what I've said. It's a weird system, but it's what we've set up for ourselves. Are we that far out of touch, or are our lives really just too busy that it's easier to whip out a small blog than to arrange a social gathering? And if so, isn't that a problem?

I was talking with Nathalie and Mariana the other day, and we were talking about how we aren't really lazy people in this generation, but we're worn out. We overwork ourselves, and what do we really have to show for it? Most people (especially in large cities) can't afford to even get by one what they make, and if they can, they can't afford to really have a house or save any amount of real money. Unless you happen to fall into a great job, or have an interest in very specific areas of work. We're spending more and more time at work and less and less time out getting to know one another and learning about one another. So, we learn about one another through online channels when we are able to view them in our spare time...and update them...as I'm doing now.

Those are pretty much the thoughts going through my mind right now, and if anyone out there has any thoughts on what I'm saying, please feel free to comment. If I weren't writing this for some sort of validation or reply, I'd be doing it, apparently, in my off line journal ;-)

Have a great night y'all!


Cheers,

XGJV

Mar. 3rd, 2007

Small update...

This is just a small update...

My birthday weekend was super amazing...thanks to all those who were able to attend. And for the one who said he would and didn't...well, fuck you :-D

I'll write more on my birthday later...

...and in other news:

I HAVE A NEW MUSE!! Watch out world! Things always seem to happen when I find muses...and this one...well, she does it for me!!! :-)

It's amazing what a passing encounter can do for a person!

Cheers, thanks a lot!

XGJV

Feb. 21st, 2007

A few days later...

Well, it happened yet again. Sometimes I wonder if it is me. I guess, in some way, it must be. Whether it's the people I choose, or just the things I do, I can't seem to be able to keep anyone in my life for long. Yes, that's right people, another "relationship" ended. The day after Valentine's Day. Why is it that I always seem to date those who don't know what they want? I'm willing to work with people. I'm willing to talk things out. I'm willing to take things slowly. I'm willing not to jump into things. I tend to try to suit the direction of the other person. Where they feel they need to go, I try to go. Maybe that's my problem. I've tried to be straight-forward. I've tried to play the games. It just seems that I'm not good at any of it. I'm too tired to play the games, and I'm too tired to keep trying like this. It's never me. That's what I always get from them. But it must be me. I'm not so fragile that I can't be told what it is. I'm just tired of it all. I've been trying to form a relationship since the time I came out. It's apparently not what my life was meant to be. No one stays long enough, and no one helps me realize why. So I'm done. Someone wants a relationship with me...they'll have to do a hell of a lot of proving to make me even consider it.
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Feb. 1st, 2007

He makes me Happy :-)

Well, it's been quite awhile since I've written here, and especially awhile since anything good has been written. But, I have good news...

I've met someone!!! :-) And not just someone; he's a very, very sweet guy who actually treats me very well. From our first date, things just seemed like they were so comfortable. We met on Wednesday, the 10th of January, and, while it was just a movie date (meaning we didn't have much time to talk), there was a very good feeling there. I felt very comfortable and very at ease with him. He isn't pretentious, and he isn't like all of the others out there.

We've had a lot of dates and we spend a great deal of time together, and that means so much to me. He's not afraid to spend time with me, and he's not afraid to make time for me. It's dating just like I thought it always should be, and like I was starting to feel wasn't available here in NYC. I really think he's quite the special guy. We've done so many things together so far. We go out to great dinners...we've seen shows and ballets...and he's very much into theatre, and teaches me so much (or tries to...I'm not always the best student hehe) about it all. Not to mention, he's very sexy and intelligent and mature :-) AND!! All of my friends, thus far, approve hehe. Not that they need to approve, but let's face it, it makes life much easier if your friends like the guy that you're seeing :-) That hasn't always been the case in my life lol.

I could go on and on, but I'm really tired and need to be up early. I just felt that it's time to write something here about him since I really think he could be around for quite some time...at least I hope so ;-) It's nice to really be able to smile about having someone in my life again :-)
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Dec. 24th, 2006

To Him...

Yes, you'll miss me when I'm gone; and I am most definitely gone...
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Dec. 22nd, 2006

The Holidays...

You know, the holidays, to me, were always a weird time in my family. I shouldn't say "always", but mostly, yes...the times I remember were always weird. My father was sometimes around, and sometimes he wasn't. Sometimes he had been around for quite awhile, and sometimes just the week before he had been on a binge. No matter what, my family (on my mom's side) tried to make everything as normal as they could. We celebrated Christmas Eve at my grandparents' house, and it was usually a very good time. My Aunt and Gram would always hide the gifts for my brother and me, and she'd make a list of where they were...as hints if we couldn't find some of the harder-to-find gifts around the house. When we were very young, we were always given a hint first, and then we'd run and dash around the house trying to find the presents. As we got older, it was more of a free-for-all. But it was always fun. We'd find one gift, and bring it back to the living room where we tore open the packages and would display them and get our photos taken. This always followed all of the other evening events, of course. The huge meal, the stocking opening, the meal clean up...those things. All very important things. All very good times. I miss those times. Life is so much harder when you get older.

I don't know for sure what I'll be doing this holiday season. I have pretty much talked myself into spending it alone...simply because that's probably my only option. I'd love to spend it with the guy that I'm seeing. But he's been far too busy to even have a phone conversation with me. We don't get any time together, and I've not seen him in three weeks; there's no end to that in sight that I know of. So, I probably can't count on that. So, I've talked myself into the fact that I'll probably be alone. And I've told myself that that's okeh. And the truth of the matter is, it is. I've learned to be alone a lot lately. I've had to. I'm detached from my family, and I don't have the money to visit, nor a job that permits me to. I'm dating someone, and he has very little time to even see me. I've told him that I'm only dating him, and I don't go back on my word. So, I'll hang in there and see what happens. It's called trust, right? I'm trusting that what he's saying to me is true, and we will get some time together soon. And if it's not, the worst that happens is that I'm a fool...I've been that before.

Sometimes I think I care too much. It just takes me so long to actually find someone that I'm attracted to and someone who I can see being a good fit. When I first saw him, I felt it. It was instantaneous. I don't mean any of that love-at-first-sight shit. Love takes a long time to grow and takes a lot of nurturing to happen. But I felt a spark when I saw him. And I do to this day. He still makes me nervous when I talk with him or when I do see him. I told him before we met that I needed attention. He told me that he was very busy. So far, he's winning that battle. The first round, that's what killed it. Or almost killed it. But he missed me. He said he made a mistake not giving me more time. And now, I'm trying to be more understanding. But where's our time together? He can't squeeze in a quick visit at my job to say hi? He can't fit a dinner or a lunch in here or there? Everything he does in life always seems to have to go perfectly, and he pushes to make that happen. That's why I don't understand why there isn't more of a push for this. Yeah, maybe I care too much. Maybe it's me. Or maybe, I'm just ready to really give what I can to make someone special as happy as I can. In fact, I know I'm ready. I'd not have waited three weeks to see someone if I wasn't.

There's so much that I could say about that. So much that I could write. And he could read it. I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I'm not sure he's ready for that. I'm not sure he's ready for this much if he reads it. All I know is that I can't continue to date someone I'm never seeing for much longer. Three weeks is a long time to be alone. You either want a relationship or you don't. You either work to make it happen, or you don't. It's a choice -- not an easy one, but still a choice. It's a choice that needs to be made and acted upon.

Yeah, so I'm pretty much lonely. I seem strong and independent. I know that I do. But that's not how I function. That's my disguise to the world. The world that always seems to need me to be like that. I've always had to be that way. I had to be that way for my family when my father wasn't around. I had to be that way in school to stand up to my "friends". I had to show no emotion. No pain could come through. I hold everything in. No one knows how much it affects me. I don't have that shoulder to cry on. I don't have that person to cling to. I'm tired of being alone and dealing with everything on my own. I've been in this fucking city for three full years now, and what do I have to show for it? A glimmer of a relationship? An atrocity of a job. "Friends" who hardly even stay in touch. More money problems than I've ever had in my life. Life is not easy here. Or maybe it's just MY life that is not easy here. I can't speak for everyone. Some people seem happy.

Yeah, the holidays aren't what they used to be...that's for sure. Anymore, they are just another day in life. They are a one-day stop for vacation time, and then back to work. They are just another day to spend cleaning the house, or being alone. That's all that I have time for in my life. Or rather, those are the options left to me. It hurts. That's what has become of my life. Alone. In debt. Stuck. Waiting.

At this point in my life, I wanted so badly to have someone to decorate an apartment with. To have a tree. To put up lights. To laugh with. To make cocoa with and just sit in front of the window in the dark...lit only by the twinkle of little lights as we sip and watch the snow fall outside of the window. But that hasn't happened yet again this year. And now, it's going to be another entire year to see if it'll actually happen next Christmas. I don't think that I ask for much. I don't ask for gifts. In fact, I tell everyone to not buy me anything. I've learned that money doesn't buy happiness. If it did...for what I've spent while here, I should be insanely happy. But, it doesn't...and I'm not. I'm not afraid of growing older. That's not the problem. I am afraid of ending up alone. And that's partially my fault. I'm very picky. I know that. But why shouldn't I be? I have a hell of a lot to offer someone. And I think that anyone I've ever really dated will attest to that. Sometimes I ask for too much. Maybe. But I never ask for what I'm not willing to give in return. Oh well; maybe I just want some things more than most other people. I guess I just want to be whisked away into a twirling romance. But those are visions of a child, not the hard-core realities of life.

But, there's no use going on and on about that. I'm really just ranting anyway because I need to get it out of my system. I've been stressing myself out over most of this all lately. And that's only part of it. I still have family things that I worry about. I still have work things that I really worry about. I still have decisions to make and a lot to think about. I guess it all comes down to the fact that I'm not as strong as I let on. And I know that's okeh. I just wish I could convince myself of that. I wish I could convince myself that people would still like me and be attracted to me if I were just a bit weaker and not so rigid. Some days, I just want to scream...but that usually just ends up in tears.

Blah...well, yet another depressing journal entry. I guess most of my entries are since I normally only write when I have bad emotions trapped inside that need to come out. So, while it seems I'm always depressed, that's not the case. It's just the times that I am depressed that I need to write the most...and the only time that I actually take the time to sit down to write.

Anyway, I'm done complaining. Back to being strong...

Dec. 13th, 2006

Some things...

You know, there are many things in life that we have no control over. We just sit around and bend at the will of such things. I think that sometimes, we get caught up in this and start to believe that we have less control over certain forces than we really do.

There are many situations in my life right now where I think I've convinced myself of these things. For fear of bad things happening, I do nothing. But, the problem with this logic (?) is that the bad things around me now are caused exactly by the nothingness that I'm doing. Life is definitely a set and series of consequences. Decisions taken and lessons learned. How do we continue to learn, though, if we don't take decisions in our own lives? We can sit around and wait for other to make decisions for us, or we can do something ourselves. Which is the greater of the two possible evils? Do I want to be someone who becomes a victim and can blame only outside forces, or someone who can take charge and have myself to blame if something goes wrong. It's easy to sit back and blame others or other things. Those are the people in life that I tend to hate: people who do nothing and complain about everything. For some reason lately, I've become one of those people.

I'm feeling like a trampling ground for a lot of things right now, and it's time for all that to stop. I've no one else to blame for these situations than myself. My life has never been worse off when I was making my own decisions and controlling the actions around me. Why should I stop doing that? Why have I stopped doing that? I'm afraid of failure, but the only failure that I truly have believed in in life is that of not doing anything. There is no failure if you are learning lessons and progressing toward something. I don't stand up for myself enough. I don't show my skills enough. I don't take enough chances. The interesting thing is, I've never actually failed when I have done these things. I only have this fear of failing.

My life has been built around academics and intelligence. All my life, I was looked at as the smart kid. The one who got good grades. The one who could be trusted to know right from wrong. The one who knew a sentence fragment from a complete sentence ;-). I was raised to know this. I was brought up to be this. I could have been athletic. I was good at many things. I was a good runner, I had great hand-eye co-ordination. I could have done many things, but I pulled away from them for the fear of failing at something that was different than what I had practiced so often. I pulled away for the fear of looking stupid, or awkward, or any number of socially embarrassing things.

Appearance has always been very important to me. How others see me was very important in my life. It still is. But, it's gotten to a point where it's also prevented me from being who I really want to be. I've relied on crutches all my life to excuse myself from all this possible persecution. And, I've built walls so that hopefully I can shun others before they see who I am. This is a mental block that I've lived with all my life. I don't get angry for fear of people shying away from the crazy angry person. I don't cry for people shying away from the big baby in the corner. I don't show emotion for fear of people shying away from the needy guy. But you know what? That's who I am. Sometimes I am needy. Sometimes I am scared or worried to the point of tears. Sometimes I am terribly angry. I've caused myself a lot of stress for not speaking out for myself, and for not showing the world what and who I am.

These are all easy points to ponder and all easy things to learn about myself. But, unfortunately, they are not easy things to get over. So you're angry at someone? Let them know! Yeah, sounds easy. What if that pushes that person away? What if they get so upset that you never see them again? Then maybe they aren't worth your time. Yeah, but what if you're terribly fearful of having people not like you? The troubles run deep. I think one of the biggest rejections that a person can face is that of his parents. I wasn't rejected by both of mine, but my father chose drugs and alcohol over his entire family. And while I do realize, at some level, that it wasn't my fault, there are still subconscious things that I am dealing with from all of that...at least I think that's where they stem from. That, and the fact that all through school, I had to fight and fight just to make sure my "friends" didn't back stab me in some way. It's not easy trying to cover all bases of your life so that you made people like you...especially when those people weren't always telling you the truth anyway. You tend to lose track of who you are. And you tend to take on an appearance so that if they hate that, they aren't really hating you...they are hating a made-up façade.

The problem is, sometimes that façade you've made becomes a brick wall...and sometimes you lose track of the means to tear it back down. And sometimes it takes years and years to even realize you're entrapped inside of something you'd only built to give you temporary protection. Only then can the work begin on tearing it down. But, by that time, you realize that you have to go brick by brick because the atmosphere outside of that wall is much scarier than the one you've grown accustomed to. The air is different, the light is different...but the grass is so much greener.

I have a lot of great qualities. I know that. I was talking with my co-worker and she hardly knows me, and yet she was giving me this huge wash-list of adjectives that she felt described me. This isn't even a coworker that I work with on a daily basis. And this all made me think...if she can see so much in me, how have I lived with myself for so long and not realized these are qualities within me? Or, maybe I have, but I took for granted that they are special. I'm one of those people that once something is gained or earned, I chalk it up to accomplished and I move on the the next part of the project. I went to school. I graduated top ten in my high-school class. I went to college. I graduated with a great grade-point average in not one, but two majors. I speak three languages. I've succeeded in every job that I've ever been in. I've pretty much run a boutique in NYC. Those are all great things. But yet, I look at them, and I just see it as all in a days work (so to speak). I don't necessarily see anything special or unique about the abilities and skills it takes to do all of that. I underestimate myself a lot. I've never failed at anything I've really tried at (with the exception of relationships...but that takes two).

And maybe this all sounds semi-pompous, but that's another thing that I'm trying to get over. So many other people believe in their abilities and talk about them...why should I worry that doing just that same thing makes me sound uppity or stuck on myself? I'm not. Anyone who knows me really well knows that I don't really think that way. Yet, I'm still afraid to flaunt it. And yet, living in this city, that's about the only way to truly survive and get anywhere. Flaunt what you've got, and lie about the rest until you do have it. Maybe that's cynical or whatever, but I really think that's how things work here.

In any case, I had a lot of thoughts today about a lot of different areas of my life. What I deserve. Where I feel unappreciated. How, sometimes, I feel like an afterthought to some. I can't continue to live like that. There has to be something that changes, and I can't sit around any longer and wait for that change to come from outside circumstances. It has to come from within. It has to start in my atmosphere and in my environment, and emanate from me. That's the plan from now on.

Nov. 14th, 2006

This life...

Well, I think this is going to be the first major update in awhile. Life here has not gotten much better than it has been. Luckily, my family is doing better, and my grandmother is feeling much better. I'm not sure how my aunt is doing, so I must get in touch with them to find out. It's just hard to talk about such difficult things such as cancer and heart conditions...especially to those going through it. I never know what the protocol is for something like that (protocol...something that has kept me from opening up so much to others in my life).

But lately, I've found myself not very happy here. I know that I have this love/hate relationship with New York, and I think that most people do. But, lately, it's been mostly hate. I have some really good friends (most of them being people I already knew, or coworkers that I have a lot in common with). But, when it all comes down to the bottom of things, this place is not a good environment for me. I'm away from nature. I'm away from the comforts that are more easily attainable back in an area like from which I came. Life here started out happy and easy for me. I was hoping that that kind of life would continue and I could make New York a home. But, something is pushing me away from here. There's nothing really keeping me here, and before I start to search desperately for something to keep me here, maybe it's time to just give in to the idea of moving to another location. I've thought about it before and I have made plans...only to change them because something sparked or showed signs of a spark.

Lately, there have been no sparks. Life is not easy. And, I'm not one of those people to always want the easy path. I prefer to work. I was raised to work. But when you are giving so much for so little, the rewards tend to dictate which paths you take. Rewards must be sought elsewhere in this case. I think I was meant to write. I can't do that in this setting. It's too stressful and chaotic. I was meant to be one of those writers who needs a piece of paper, a good pen, and a cabin in the woods away from everything (and especially everyone) else. David thinks that the time to move will come very soon after my birthday, and to be honest, I could see that happening. I'll have made some nice (I hope) money from my job, and it will be time for the slow season to start in yet again.

So, I'm going to do job searches elsewhere. I have numerous addresses with which I can use to fill out applications. I can make it look like I'm already in the areas of the job searches to make my chances of being taken seriously much better. In another environment, my language skills will be even more useful and coveted. And, doing what I've done here will only make me look better...if I could work in this city, surely I can do a lot more in a small, more country setting. It's life, and it's about choices. It's hard for me to make choices sometimes. They are never easy when they are such large ones like picking up your entire life and moving it. But, I've tried this. I've tired of this. (It's amazing how tried and tired are nearly the same word...maybe not as much amazing as proper).

I've thought I've found people I could fall in love with and be with. Someone to ride the seas with me. A few times this has happened in my stay here (not many, but a very few times), but it has never really turned up. Perhaps it's best just to take the hint, and move on. Knowing you have someone to come home to, or someone is coming home to you can really make life a lot easier, and it's not that I rest my life on that...it's just a comfort that I miss a lot. And I'm not finding it here. I'd like to go back to school sometime to get my doctorate. Education is cheaper in smaller places. Living is cheaper in those places. I wasn't blessed with wealth coming out of my ears. If I were, I'd have no problem here. This place isn't meant for people trying to earn an honest day's living. Because in the end, you earn that day's living, and you've not much to spare after that. I've not been on a vacation since I moved here. I've only visited my family maybe three or four times at the most. I rarely see any of them for the holidays. It's just not my life. I was meant to be a family person. I'm close to my family, and it's not good to not be able to see them. I'll never have kids of my own. I don't want them, and I'm too selfish to be a good parent. So, that type of family isn't what I want. But I do want someone to be with...and most of the people here that I've met are only looking for the next best thing. They aren't willing to really work to make time or put the work into a relationship. It's a job, too...and one that I'm willing to work for. Like I've said, I'm willing to work...just not for nothing.

So, that's it. As of now, I'm about THIS close to just picking up my life and moving it all around. Most likely, very close to where I grew up. And, I've decided that there is nothing wrong w/ that. I'm not giving up. I'm not throwing in the towel. I'm just doing what works for me. Because this just isn't. This life is empty.

So, anyone I know reading this, if we've not talked in awhile, and I met you here in NYC, I suggest you say hi again, or say goodbye. I'll probably be back to visit from time to time, but soon, perhaps, yes, after my birthday, I will be moving away from this city. Depends on if I can or can't break my lease, or perhaps my family will take care of that. We shall see. But, I need to start a new chapter in my life. And this was a good three-year chapter that will give me a lot to take away with me. It's just not how I want to continue living. And those are probably the hardest, yet most truthful words I've written in awhile about myself.

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